I’m breakin’ the rules today. Yes, I’m a rebel to my own rule. I’m writing with plenty of loud, melancholy pop music playing in my headphones. I don’t usually write with music that has words, cause well, words. But it’s Free Write Friday and that means we’re all about rule breaking. Ha! This melancholy music, and my favorite flavor coffee in hand, I’m surprisingly cheerful today.
I don’t know if I’ve told you, but one of the reasons I do this whole Free Write Friday thing is to be sure to make a note of what’s happened this week, without any real pressure of Google words (like I make that work in most posts anyway) or heavy editing and revising, because I’ve noticed that other bloggers do a really great job of capturing the day-to-day, of documenting their children’s milestones and growing up.
1) I’m jealous of that. I did a terrible job of documenting Marcus’ growing up years and frankly, my memory isn’t so great. If it weren’t for Kelly, we wouldn’t even have any photos.
Even so 2) I’ve been thinking about putting together a book about Marcus as an adult. Don’t worry, I’m not giving up on The Innocent Prince. (Like I could and like you were worried.) But memoir, that’s where it’s at, right?
Problems with this idea:
1) Memory. Solution: FWF reminders. Done.
2) Who will read it? Solution: Never worry about this at the beginning or you will die. Well, your words will die, so, same thing. and
3) Sharing Marcus as an adult with Down syndrome is the scariest thing, ever. You may be thinking, Uhh, You’re doing that now. Like everywhere. All the time. Well, yes and no. Yes – and don’t think it’s not scary. And no, not like a book would both require and allow.
Why So Scary?
Sigh. I keep promising to tell you this, to try to articulate it. And look at the time! Ooooh, only 2 minutes left in today’s Free Write…not enough time to tell you. Or tell me.
Fine. I’ll tell you this one thing: Marcus had a different dad before Quinn. That dad was afraid, too. He was afraid of Down syndrome. That dad never accepted Marcus, really, and has kept Marcus from…sigh, what I cannot even tell you right now. That before-dad’s fear/attitude/denial, that is one thing I am afraid of. I know I’ll never persuade, I think you can assume I tried, but he is the face of everything I cannot change.
Yet I keep putting Marcus out there.
Dear Friends, even if you too are afraid, you’re going to have to keep helping me. Down syndrome awareness is more than a month, it’s survival. We’re in this together, right? Alright. Back to work. 
Grab This Button Wow – I think that melancholy music kicked in… Love you 🙂
The fact that douche is the face lurking in the back of your mind, the symbol–the example of your fear–saddens me. Makes me a little sick, too. But it articulated for me a perfectly visual example as to how and why our fears can be so stubborn and hard to get rid of. AND how scary it can be to admit they exist.
I fear for you. I fear for Marcus and others. Although I must admit that fear is usually stronger when I’m not out in the world WITH them. I’ve seen such good, too, and I dare say the good along with the neutral far outweighs the bad. But the bad stays with us longer. It kicks in a natural response to protect and survive. That’s good, I know. But only to a point. When will our instincts realize that the very fear it’s making us hold onto to protect us and others more often is hurting us?
Yeah, Kelly, all of that. <3
(Also look, I figured out how to do a heart.)
So with ya on this…. but then, you know that.
Yup. One of the reasons I can keep going, friend. <3