Right now I feel both drained of inspiration and full of emotion, which seems contrary because inspiration is borne of the rawest and truest emotions.
Inspiration when you’re empty.
I don’t know. I feel very empty.
Yet, I realize that all of this…all of this experience, these moments of reflection, hard truths, and harder lived lies. These minutes that alter between cleaning up, caring for, enlisting help, and often just watching…that seep into numb hours, still provide learning moments.
The textural backdrop that fills in everything which connects us.
Inspiration, as another concept of the muse, is a gift when it comes. Sometimes inspiration can be promoted, like with a prompt or a deadline. Like many writers before me, if inspiration isn’t knocking, the place to start is where. you. are.
Here and Now:
Before me in the sparsely seated cafeteria lays my first meal in about 19 hours and consists of a disposable “bowl” of granola cereal, soy milk, a paper cup of the hospital’s finest coffee (which is not an endorsement) and a slice of pecan pie.
I chat with a member of the staff who asks, “Remember me?”
“Yes,” I smile back. “You commented on my shirt yesterday.” Suddenly self conscious of my “The Play that Goes Wrong” T-shirt that I’ve (obviously) slept in while here overnight. I add, “I’m probably not the only person who’s in the same clothes from yesterday while in a hospital.”
He’s still smiling and reassures me, “I’m in the same clothes as yesterday too!”
I’m feeling the telltale pressure of a potential migraine. I’ve eaten the pie and wonder what the cost is to refill the coffee. Although it’s not great, it’s much better than what the free coffee machines on the fifth floor spit into the cup.
We’ve been in the hospital for nearly two months. I say we, but it’s not we, it’s she. My mother.
This hospital has a few buildings on campus,
We’veshe’s had a room in three different “towers” and several different rooms and “care teams.”
She started the year with pneumonia, but so many more turns followed. What feels like a very long story kept short, she will be moving from the hospital room to a hospice care home soon.
What I’ve learned is: Love isn’t perfect.
This realization inspires me to continue, to cope, to forgive, and to hope for forgiveness.
Love remains perpetually incomplete.
Love, while can be (and at best is) intentional, however, there are sometimes unintended consequences spilling over the dam and splashing upon others. There are mistakes. There are promises and challenges and dreams of castles in the clouds.
And what each person needs and expects of love is unique. Leaving even more room for mistakes, even with love as the reason.
Love isn’t perfect.
When the hospital trips began, I took photos of the backdrop, the art on the walls, the window views, sculptures, and even the floor. Some days I forgot and other days I took two or three pictures. They aren’t “great” but together, they’re interesting at least. These are a few of the photos.
February Brita facilitates a month of writing and sharing with her #LoveBlog2019 challenge and prompts! Today’s theme is inspiration and when I saw the list in her launch blog, I earmarked Inspiration! My mind went a million directions. And yet today…this is where life is, instead.
Inspiration #LoveBlog2019 Hostesses:
Brita is the hostess with the mostess Love Blog ideas. Brita Long is also the pink and sparkly personality behind the Christian feminist lifestyle blog, Belle Brita. On her blog and social media, you’ll discover more than authentic storytelling–she’s brutally honest about pursuing a fulfilling and joyful life even with Crohn’s Disease and depression. Check out the kick-off post here. Find Belle at: Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook, and BlogLovin
Laura is a big dreamer, full time marketing manager, blogger, and part-time artist. Like many of us, she spent part of her life struggling with frustrations on a daily basis and just all around felt drained and uninspired…that was her. She decided to change all that one morning. Now Laura lives in the blogging world because she believes the buzz about self-care and self-love needs to be heard. She aspires to inspire people in their everyday lives and help them to live towards their dreams and making the most out of every day by sharing her own experiences and stories. Find her adventures at: www.dofivethingsaday.com AND Annnd: https://twitter.com/RedirectLife, https://www.instagram.com/dofivethingsaday/, https://www.pinterest.com/Do5ThingsADay/, https://www.facebook.com/dofivethingsaday/, https://www.bloglovin.com/@do5thingsaday
Now you: #Inspiration #BlogHop #LoveBlog2019 Where will it take you? Click To Tweet
This very day, I moved my mom into the Health Center of her retirement home. It offers the highest level of care and marks the last place she will probably live. She has lost memory and the ability to process – the strength to manage on her own in a world that demands strength and independence.
I am drained in a different way than she is. We both cried when I left – she didn’t want me to leave, I couldn’t stay even if I wanted to.
And I’m right there with you, my lovely… Your backdrops are lovely. xoxox
Yes, it is hard. Harder than we think it will be, eh? Much love to you and yours, too.
I’ve been short on inspiration the last couple months too. I know that drained feeling well.
I had that drained feeling for much of last year. I gave myself grace for many months and focused only on what I absolutely needed to write. January helped me start anew.
I think it’s hard, as writers/creators, when inspiration doesn’t come. But there are times when we need to be present with our emotions, and the cause/focus of our emotions, rather than use them to create. I wrote very little while my mother was in hospice care. I just couldn’t. Since her death, sometimes I’m able to write about my grief, but not always.