On Rainy Days and Learning to Live in the Moments

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You never know…

Sitting with another mother at the Be Beautiful, Be Yourself Fashion Show, talking about Marcus’ and my crazy schedule this year. I told her, “I debated whether we should push it and do this. So much else going on. But then I thought, Don’t wait. You never know what the next year will bring, grab it all today while we can.”

“Yes,” she agreed, “Especially with our guys, you never know how long we’ll have.”  

I nodded. It’s true. Who knows?  

Who knows for any of us?

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This morning I read through the entire blog, Texting with Cancer. I have this terrible habit of reading without breathing. I held my breath through the whole blog. It was…

Everyone should read it.

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Love and Fear

When my Marcus was born, I feared for his life. While I held him, I learned the power of a single moment.

It is strange how emotions come from within us, but still feel like a foreign energy. Especially new ones. The tied-up intensity of fear, longing, confusion, anger, wishing, love, and hope, all rolled up and pulsed within me and through me creating a new, complex, nameless, powerful reaction to life itself. Well,

My little man a few weeks before his heart surgery. The photographer colored his cheeks.

new to me, I’m sure parents have felt this feeling since the dawn of time.

I felt it again, some bits more intensely, some bits added, when he had heart surgery. I truly hoped that my own heart would stop beating if he did not wake or did not recover. Just the thought of living beyond him shattered me, and I did not go in those double doors fool hearty, I recognized with each breath, with each signature, this possibility was real.

I hated myself for jeopardizing his life, though every professional said I was saving it. I felt very powerless.

I do not negate how those moments molded our current experience, how thankful we are for each new day.

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It’s raining  this morning.

Can you tell?

Pandora must be tuned in to me today, this song came on:

I’ve now played the youtube on repeat about 20 times. Seriously, hit play, and go back to the top to read this blog, the soundtrack gives it a whole ‘nother dimension. 

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It’s Thanksgiving weekend and I’ve been sick most of it. The yuck started on Thanksgiving Day night, crept in more on Friday and by Friday night I felt…bad.  Saturday, I called in sick to life. Today I am better, but still not great, I’m feeling fragile. I’ve been moving slowly, sleeping it off some,  and generally dreading the long lists of not-getting-done. Worried about all that there is to do. Blurgh.

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I used to be very sick. Like, for years.

I went through 7 surgeries in 10 years and finally “gave in” to the only possible “cure.”

It sucked.

Yet, it is another reason why I have charged through, tackled, embraced, and created so much in our recent history. 

My grandpa Bill once said of me:

“She drives very very fast. Between stop signs.”

At the time especially, those words very much resonated to my life metaphor – Oh how I craved for a highway!

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It’s not unusual for me to panic, in this retrospective sort of way, as winter approaches.

The year is ending and there’s so much left undone! Also, the New Year is pending and there’s so much to prepare! It’s kind of a shame that those intense hard times are the greatest teachers of Living. Of living and embracing.

This scattered melancholy day is full of memories.

Here’s to the next day of sunshine, hitting the gas, and finding the next highway.

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